Jim Walsh's Big Hairy Weblog Thingy

Saturday, December 24, 2005

More Of What I Do While I'm Supposed To Be Working Christmas Eve

(I'm sure you feel the same way about cut 'n' paste stuff as I do, BUT - I came across this while surfing and it's too funny not to share.)

Santa's Mailbag

Santa's been really busy this year, so he asked us to answer some of his mail. Here are a few letters we handled for him...


Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. --Yer Frend, Alton

Dear Alton: You no doubt attend the Failed Cincinnati Pubic Skools. I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! --Santa


Dear Santa: All I ask for Christmas is peace and joy and racial harmony for everybody! --Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah: You should've sent your letter to the Morning Fishwrap. They love that kind of crap. --Santa


Dear Santa:I don't know if you can arrange this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. --Your pal, Teddy

Dear Teddy:Your dad's banging your baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. He's not gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom. It's time to give up that dream. Let me bring you some nice Legos instead. --Santa


Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a drum set, and a pony. --Francis

Dear Francis: Who names his kid Francis" these days? When you grow up, you'll probably turn out to be gay. --Santa


Dear Santa: I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please can I have one? --Timmy

Dear Timmy:That whiney begging may work with your folks, but it won't work with me. You're getting pink bunny slippers again. --Santa


Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. --Love, Susan

Dear Susan:Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when I'm riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. --Santa


Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? --Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas: All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porn films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. --Santa


Dear Santa:Do you see us when we're sleeping? Do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? --Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica: Are you really that stupid? Forget the toys this year. I'm skipping your house. --Santa


Dear Santa: I'd like to run for class president. Can you help me, please, please? --"Greggie"

Dear "Greggie": Forget it, kid. You're such a loser. You'll get an hellacious ass whipping, just like all the bullies give you every day after school. --Santa


Dearest Santa:We don't have a chimney. How will you get into our house? --Love, Bobby

Dear Bobby:Just like your mother's boyfriends, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! --Santa


Dear Santa: I've always wanted a Red Ryder 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle. --Ralphie

Dear Ralphie: Sorry, kid. You might shoot your eye out. --Santa

These are the real letters to Santa. Any other letters to Santa you may see published are surely fake...

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